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Losing Weight in Seven Simple Steps
1. Decide it’s time to leave your current place, and begin your Apartment Search eight weeks prior to the end of your current lease.
2. Rush around the entire fucking city because you have a self-set deadline of just-before-Christmas, when you’re setting off for a Exhausting Big Fun Roadtrip.
3. Return home, exhausted from said trip, to find that the place you had your heart set on won’t actually work, due to the technicalities of an agreement and the practical difficulties of interacting with…… humans. Start your search all over again, only this time just four weeks before the end of your current lease (which most NYers call normal, but which I call insane).
4. See a bunch of crappy apartments, getting your hopes up with each one that the end of this fine torture may be imminent. Wander the streets in 5 degree weather, waiting out in the cold for always-late brokers to show you said crappy places.
5. Don’t eat anything after Step Two. Immediately expel anything that you do swallow. Rail thin yet? I thought so.
6. Break down after Day Nine of the search. Buy yourself an entire cake. Eat it.
7. Sorry, did I say Losing Weight? I meant Losing Weight And Then Putting On A Bunch More, bitches. Here we go.
More when we have a place to live again…