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Losing Weight in Seven Simple Steps
1. Decide it’s time to leave your current place, and begin your Apartment Search eight weeks prior to the end of your current lease.
2. Rush around the entire fucking city because you have a self-set deadline of just-before-Christmas, when you’re setting off for a Exhausting Big Fun Roadtrip.
3. Return home, exhausted from said trip, to find that the place you had your heart set on won’t actually work, due to the technicalities of an agreement and the practical difficulties of interacting with…… humans. Start your search all over again, only this time just four weeks before the end of your current lease (which most NYers call normal, but which I call insane).
4. See a bunch of crappy apartments, getting your hopes up with each one that the end of this fine torture may be imminent. Wander the streets in 5 degree weather, waiting out in the cold for always-late brokers to show you said crappy places.
5. Don’t eat anything after Step Two. Immediately expel anything that you do swallow. Rail thin yet? I thought so.
6. Break down after Day Nine of the search. Buy yourself an entire cake. Eat it.
7. Sorry, did I say Losing Weight? I meant Losing Weight And Then Putting On A Bunch More, bitches. Here we go.
More when we have a place to live again…
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Bad Boys
The “scary” guy sporting the black jeans, black t-shirt, black boots, and black moto jacket, toting the army green sling, with the ring of twenty keys jingling at his hip, wearing the scowl and the finely shaved hair and did I mention that grimace? Yeah, well, he’s skulking along on Union Square East… with a venti Starbucks in his clutch.
Tough guy fail.
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Snow
There is nothing better than waking up to find my city covered in snow.
(That was this morning.)
This one is back in December, the second snow of the year:
Cotton Candy-like flakes!
But of course they weren’t super sticky, and the ground wasn’t cold enough to make it last. So this:
…quickly became this:
Then we got some more a few days later.
And it was cold enough to make icicles for a while.
But then I took down our tree, and the season of winter seemed to end. What’s with all these 36 degree days?
Then finally a couple days ago the snow finally deigned to visit again, so Eric and I went to Central Park.
And found that Jesus had been there.
We also ogled the Zamboni.
But the snow still kind of sucked.
So Snow, quit being a fair-weather friend and give us one really pretty, snowball-friendly storm. Thx.
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Does a body bad.
Mmm… Just as I was about to have my daily 5:00 milk, I come across a story about the stuff being tampered with in Old New York, just as it is now in China.
In a city growing fast, but lacking refrigeration, it was hard to provide sufficient milk. Fresh milk was brought in from Westchester and Orange Counties, but not enough to meet demand. In 1853, it was found that 90,000 or so quarts of cow’s milk entered the city each day, but that number mysteriously increased to 120,000 quarts at the point of delivery.
Some of the increase was due to New York dairymen padding their milk with water, and then restoring its richness with flour — just like their latter-day Chinese counterparts, who increased the protein levels in watered-down milk by adding the noxious chemical melamine. But the greater part was swill milk, a filthy, bluish substance milked from cows tied up in crowded stables adjoining city distilleries and fed the hot alcoholic mash left from making whiskey. This too was doctored — with plaster of Paris to take away the blueness, starch and eggs to thicken it and molasses to give it the buttercup hue of honest Orange County milk. This newspaper attributed the deaths of up to 8,000 children a year to this vile fluid.
Do you want to eat anything ever again? Oh, you still do? Read on…
Finally, in 1858, Tammany Hall sent Alderman Michael Tuomey to “investigate” a notorious swill milk dairy on West 16th Street. Tuomey sat down with the dairy owners and drank a glass or two of whiskey. He concluded that swill milk was just as good for children as ordinary milk, and anyone who refused to drink it simply had a “prejudice.”
Again, there are echoes with China. The Chinese government had exempted several of the nation’s biggest dairies from inspections, one of the reasons the scare was allowed to spread unchecked from baby formula to yogurt to the whole of the Chinese dairy industry and its exports. (The British candy maker Cadbury announced yesterday, for instance, that it had discovered melamine in some of its Chinese-made milk chocolates.) This isn’t just laissez-faire — it’s an approach to the food supply that is so deliberately hands off that it amounts to an invitation to swindling. Heads are rolling now, but too late for the sick babies.
The similarities between China today and New York 150 years ago shouldn’t come as a great surprise. Adulteration on such a scandalous scale occurs in societies with a toxic combination of characteristics: a fast-growing capitalist economy coupled with a government unable or unwilling to regulate the food supply. In such get-rich-quick societies, there is a huge temptation to tamper with food, particularly when margins are low. The rewards are instant, and it’s not always easy for consumers to detect the difference between the pure and the doctored — particularly with a substance like milk, which we have been taught to trust implicitly.
This is a much sadder story than I’m going to admit right now. So instead, enjoy your cereal tomorrow morning!
